|12 days ago I had a dream|
|it was between me and my anima (female archetype)|
|it feels nice to embrace the female side of yourself – it felt like emanating love energy|
|i never felt loved in that way before|
|it did happen once where I was holding a puppy that loved me but never a human form|
|the puppy was a dream entity so was my anima|
I was not in the right state of mind 6 months ago. I had a mental breakdown in December in front of my church group. I have a poor self-esteem and I had an interaction with a blogger that made me start thinking about all my insecurities. The world is a really messed up place and I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. But I came back to his blog 6 months later. He was really getting inside my head but trying to understand him I still could not think of him as a bad person. There were many possibilities that were uncertain. Because I had my encounter with telepathic people I am still disturbed that they can see into my mind. I don’t like what is in my mind. It’s embarrassing and it conflicts with what I believe. I had a psychotic break on June 4. I was awake for 3 days from the 1st of June. And I was studying occult subjects and posting stuff online like I always do. And I was reflecting on what I knew what I didn’t know and all the uncertainty I felt. I am a messed up person inside. It is very easy to hurt my feelings and I have always felt like my ideas were rejected by people I looked up to. I don’t like feeling worthless but it has happened my whole life. So I just wanted to ask the blogger if my idea needed improvement and I saw the negative changes that occurred. I didn’t go back for one year and that was one year before June 2016. I felt like the universe was filled with impending doom. That this was the end. Then I remembered that Jesus was in the desert and I made it stop. I live in Las Cruses. Spanish to English: The Crosses. And I have a theory I know as Bible fractals. The ancient people who have been in control of the world’s esoteric knowledge understand chaos theory. They are the masters of the butterfly effect. They are “the foundation” from Asimov’s book series. Today they are the 144 thousand. They have telepathic abilities. I believe that we exist to end the suffering of this world. That is what we all believe. And I look for truth where every it is, and what I can learn from it.
I won’t ever die but at that cost, if everyone hates each other suffering will continue. If over 144 billion people are to be brought back how will we get along? I can’t hate anyone. Hate only leads to sadness. It happens because no one cares. It makes you feel worthless inside. Everyone needs to be taught self-control. I remember crying in the hospital waiting room because Ray’s dad died. I had a dream that Ray came back from the hospital and almost died. I don’t want him to die. It would make me very sad. I want all my memories to be restored. I want to see my memories. Right now I can’t see them. I can only know that they are there. Most of all I want to feel my memories. My memories have feelings. I have feelings from the anime called naruto and others. I remember from age 5 a nihilistic cartoon about a sheep that lost his mother and became attached to the wolf that killed her then the wolf died and he was all alone. No one deserves to be alone. I want my mom to be cured of her autism. She really wants me and my sister and brother and aunt to be together in Heaven. That is why she took us kids to church. But I never felt that God loved me. From 12/twelve I thought God would punish me. My mom could not understand how I felt. I suppose that I understood nihilism from age 5/five. I thought that everything was so dark. That the world was so empty. I was suffering inside but I could not blame God I only asked why? I asked myself how far would I go if I had to save someone. But there was no one and no one at church could see how I was so full of fear. I can’t do what I need to do to be a good person. I know the person on that blog hates me. I know he thinks of me as evil, corrupted, vile, worthless. But I know that I am a good person. I want everyone to feel like they belong. I want him to feel that way. I am supposed to love people that hate me. I never would be this way if I wasn’t exposed to nihilism so early. But that is not they way it has to be. I believe in what Kurzweil believes. He was asked; Do you believe God exists, and he said; not yet. That is the future I believe in. Where humanity takes control of the universe and make it into a new heaven and a new earth, where there will be no more tears of sadness.
4Those who were standing near Paul said, “How dare you insult God’s high priest!”
5Paul replied, “Brothers, I did not realize that he was the high priest; for it is written: ‘Do not speak evil about the ruler of your people.’a ”
6Then Paul, knowing that some of them were Sadducees and the others Pharisees, called out in the Sanhedrin, “My brothers, I am a Pharisee, descended from Pharisees. I stand on trial because of the hope of the resurrection of the dead.” 7When he said this, a dispute broke out between the Pharisees and the Sadducees, and the assembly was divided. 8(The Sadducees say that there is no resurrection, and that there are neither angels nor spirits, but the Pharisees believe all these things.)
I think cheese is right. I’ve had anxiety about life from when I was twelve. I never knew I was not damned till age 19. (Thank’s Richard Dawkins). It would not surprise me if what I went through was pointless nihilism. mention:Absurdity:.
Earth is changing. The old is passing away and the new it arising. It is important to be just where you are. After stretching a bit and doing leg kicks upward I was able to see better looking at old naruto amv’s from 2006-2009. I could follow the motion. Music is a great way to build up energy inside you. It creates awareness. The fifth element is called spirit which is the dodecahedron which is empty space. From spirit/space energy exists. If you want to be spiritual imagine that instead of being energy you are space. Energy is inside you but energy came from emptiness, from space. Empty space is the foundation of metaphysics because everything resides in space but it did not have to exist. Why is the “void” full of the amount of energy it has but no more? What is the relationship between energy and space? The brain is like space, full of energy yet each neuron is only a channel for energy to follow. Enlightenment would be, as its literal meaning suggests, imagining everything as made of light as if in a dream. To create energy / light inside you from the stillness of your being. Just as space created all energy of the universe from stillness. Become space and you will create energy.
Terence McKenna: Going It Alone